Bravery

Throughout my cancer journey, many people have said to me, "You are (have been) so brave."  My internal response is, "Well, I don't know about that?"  To me, being brave is to be afraid of something and then to do it anyway.  So, yes, I guess in some ways I was brave to go through Chemo, surgery, radiation, and more.  I was most certainly afraid to have horrible chemicals poured into my veins; to allow people to cut me open; and to be in a room with radioactive materials; I didn't want to wear a gown all the time, and have needles stuck in me, and lie on tables.  But, on the other hand, when there is no alternative it doesn't really feel like bravery, it just feels like doing what you have to do, even though you don't want to do it.  


I don't know, I think maybe we lack the word for this in our language - when you do something you don't want to do because you plain and simple have to...Maybe it's "moxie", but I think that more implies having the strength to do what you have to do.  Maybe the word is resolve.  It takes resolving yourself to something and you can do that with bravery or you can do it with resignation.  Ha!  I just found the word - Resignation - ""The acceptance of something undesirable but inevitable."  

Of course, that still isn't the proper word, because it isn't about just accepting, but also about embracing it, whether you wanted to or not.  Huh.  I think I am going to call it "ravignation" - one part bravery, one part resignation, one part raving - as in it will drive you stark, lunatic crazy (raving), literally causing you to lose your hair, and not just because of the Chemo.

So, for the past nine-plus months, I have been full of ravignation.  Today. Today I was brave.

For a few weeks now I have been hearing, "Your hair is really getting there."  And, "You could almost use a trim now!"  And, "You've got a pixie cut!"  People, I wasn't that into my hair before I had cancer.  You may recall, it was stick straight and the most I ever did for it was go and get it highlighted and cut like once every eight weeks just to make certain I looked presentable, even though I was never certain if I did.  If there is an area of my life I lack confidence it is in the beauty department. Probably because I have rarely felt the need to look "beautiful" and have generally been utterly content to be "cute". 

So, when I hear people tell me that I need to trim my hair - and it is not just one person, no it has been many.  Many.  What I hear is, "Go and get your hair trimmed, already.  It looks awful, even if we are telling you, you look like a pixie."  Which, to me, looking like a pixie has no down-side.  It is like the ultimate in cute-ness. Something I am completely content to be.  But, I have been feeling all of this pressure to get my hair trimmed, so I thought, gee, I must really need to get it trimmed.

Linda took the boys this morning to play and the girls went to their camp at Elmbrook Church and so I found myself with the rare and precious few hours of alone time.  So, I decided to be brave and walked into a hair salon (I had never been to before) to see what they could do about my hair.

Shaving my head took less bravery then this did.

I walked in and asked if there was anyone who could "trim up my hair" and show me how to use some mousse in it or just do something to it to give it more of a style.  I got pity eyes and a "hold on a second" and then a woman came out and said she could fit me in now (the place was like completely empty, so I am confused by this statement.  Like, of course, you can fit me in now), and then I was led back to a chair and she fussed around about me for a bit and looked at my hair and coo-ed and clucked and made like three snips and then said, "You just have to be patient".  It will continue to grow back.

Uhhh...yeah...duh.  Then she got out some mousse and the hairdryer - the actual hairdryer! - and fussed some more. (This took all of five minutes.  Total.)  And then she told me again that before I knew it I would have enough hair for a haircut and that (again) I just needed to be patient.  

Umm...holy embarrassing, Batman.  I am not sure I have ever felt so humiliated in all my life.  And, not because of her.  Because I have all these people fussing over my frickin' hair.  It's just hair. I think I would feel more confident in myself if I were back to being bald and wearing my hats again. 

To make it worse, she said, "No charge."  At first, I was going to fight her on it.  She spent some time with me, after all.  But basically she spent that whole time coo-ing and clucking and fussing.  And, I just hate being fussed over.  And, so I held on to as much of my dignity as I could and thanked her and walked the heck out of there as at-a-normal-pace as I possibly could, with my hair looking essentially the same way it did before, but now with some mousse in it.

Bravery is not doing chemo or surgery or radiation.  It's not getting a port placed or taken out.  Bravery is not shaving your head, or going bald.  Bravery is walking out of a hair salon without crying first. Bravery is going to baseball games in your huge sun hat to cover all of the places you have been radiated. Bravery is asking someone for help carrying something because your lymph nodes have been removed and your arm is sensitive now.  Bravery is trying to go back to life-as-normal when life will never be "normal" again.

And so, after months of being full of ravignation, I now begin a new chapter in my life with bravery.

This is what bravey-filled hair looks like. Ooh, so different. 

14 Years

Happy 14th Anniversary to my most amazing husband.  To name all of the cliches, Matthew is my rock, my champion, my confidant, my supporter and my best friend.  This year we added some new ones to the list, however.  I have discovered that Matt is a fantastic caretaker, amazing at acceptance and perseverance; loves me no matter what I look like, what type of scars I have (bodily or internal), what kind of day I am having (happy, sad, scared or irrational); and can even handle loving me despite the person I may have become.

I knew 17 years ago when we went out on our first date that he was something special; something rare.  But, I truly could not be more proud that he is mine, all mine.

Thank you, Matthew, for loving me through it.  I am also yours - forever and always.

And....DONE!

We did it!!!!!  Four A courses FEC chemo, Four B courses 5-FU chemo, 12 weeks of Taxol, a lumpectomy, a re-excision, and 30 sessions of radiation, and....DONE!

Here is my kinda smug look:

Wha-bam.  Take that cancer, you little bitch.  Who's crying now?!

(Sorry, couldn't help that.  Cancer needs to be taunted at a moment like this.)

And, another possession to prize - my certificate of completion of radiation, signed by many of the girls who worked on L1, but sadly only two of my L1 gals (Courtney, dude, what happened?!  :-)  ).

My sister-in-law, Cathy and brother, Casey (though I know it was all Cathy - I stand corrected!  I have been informed it was all Casey.  Wow!  Thanks, Case!) sent me flowers...

So sweet.  And, my sister, J.J. called on some of my closest friends to have a little shin-dig to mark the ending of a long journey.  An awful, wonderful, blessed, crazy, scary, remarkable, amazing, journey.

Suck it, cancer.  Kelly's Army can't be beat.

Boosts

So, for the last five radiation appointments, they have switched from the regular radiation of my breast and lymph nodes, to only radiating the area along the surgical scar.  They call this a "boost".  Since the goal of radiation is to kill off any microscopic cancer cells that may be lurking, I assume this is to be doubly certain that there are none lurking near the surgery site.  Good idea.  The great part about the boost is that it takes, like seriously, thirty seconds.  Okay, sure, it takes a few minutes to get the machine set up and calibrated the right way and all of that, but then once they are ready, it is one thirty second (actually, I think it may be thirty-four seconds as the crow flies) boost and then it is finished.  For the boost, they use something they call "the cone" to direct the radiation right at the scar. It comes down and almost touches me - kinda creepy, but also interesting...someone actually had to cut this thick piece of metal in the shape of the area that they are radiating.  It is an oblong oval shape that goes around the entirety of my scar.  The girls told me the name of the man who does the metal-work, but...I forgot.  Whoops!  Anyway...how interesting that there is actually a job out there to cut metal for radiation machines.  I am fascinated by it, anyway.  Here I am with the lovely cone boost.

And, I couldn't let this pass me by.  The receptionist to radiation posts a calendar on her computer daily.  Here is what today's was.  Love it!

29 DOWN!  ONE MORE TO GO!

28 Down!

Twenty-eight down, two more to go!  Can you believe that?!  And, here is the woman who made all of this possible, my mom.  How could I have made it through all of this without you???  Thank you, mom.  You are the real hero and the true miracle.

PT and MT

Physical Therapy and Musical Therapy (is that a thing?) - they kind of go hand-in-hand, don't they? Well, my day started with radiation as usual (almost there!), but afterward I stopped up at PT to see if I could change my appointment for the week.  I was supposed to go in on Friday, but Kyrie's camp was doing a show at the exact time of my appointment.  Not cool!  But...turns out Diane had an appointment...right then.  It was awesome!  Surprise PT is the best.

There is no down side to PT.  Diane is fun to talk to, it is pain-free, stress-free, relaxing, and just plain awesome.  I know the goal is that we get everything back working like it is supposed to so that I don't need PT any more, but I am going to have a hard time letting go of this one.  Sigh.

Here is a picture of Diane and I for my daily selfie:

I love PT

And that was followed later by the musical therapy.  For my birthday, J.J. and Cathy gave me tickets to Sarah McLachlan.  We had a scrumptious dinner at Mo's Irish Pub beforehand and then enjoyed a wonderful low-key concert afterward.  It was a very nice night and a great way to celebrate nearing the end of a long journey.

Exit Interview

After radiation today, I met with one of the Breast Care Center nurses.  I wasn't sure why it was on my schedule for today, but then I found out that it was kind of like an exit interview.  Basically, they wanted to check in with me and see how my stress levels were, to measure my arm to make certain they had not swollen out to high heaven (so far, so good), and to tell me what to do in the coming months.  I received a handy-dandy notebook to keep track of questions and important numbers in case I need them.  It was kind of surreal to hear them saying this is it.  I have spent the last nine months filled with appointments at Froedtert and the last six weeks there almost everyday.  So weird to think that I won't be there hardly at all anymore, but kind of great as well.  It is going to be oddly bittersweet.

26 down.  Four more to go!

Uhhh...the selfies must end soon.  They are getting worse and worse.  

Maybe I need to get my hair cut?  Or maybe the growth has seriously hit some kind of awkward length.  All I know is that this is getting painful.

Frogs

In a semi-continuation on my educational series on radiation, I will add this photo of where I typically park my car in the Cancer Center - The Lower Level, also known as "The Frog Level".  The first time we were ever at Froedtert we spent hours upon hours Froedtert Bouncing.  When our brains were stuffed full of words like "cancer" and "staging" and "chemo" and "surgery" and "radiation" we had to go and find our car to leave that awful-wonderful place.  Matt and I looked at each other and were like, "Where did we park?"  Then we looked at the elevator buttons and saw a picture of a duck, a frog, and of running water.  "Frogs!", we both exclaimed.  Though we could not remember where our car was parked we did remember hearing the chirping of frogs when we entered the building that day.  Since then, we almost always park on the frog level...it just makes life easier.

Do I look a little chunky in this photo?  Hmmm...the hazards of taking selfies.  You end up looking at yourself and analyzing "you" on a daily basis.  These photos are for a record of radiation only.  They shall not be held against me.  Besides, I think it's the hair...and the fact that I actually am starting to have some....  We will blame it on that anyway.  YES!  We will.

Also, did I ever post these photos of the radiation machine?   Also known as L1, I believe.

Mmmm hmmm...so comfy looking, isn't it?  

My back on that hard black surface (with a thin towel underneath me) 

and my arms in those red holders.  Ahhh... L1, how I will miss you.  Not.

A Day Off

Happy Fourth of July!  And, happy no radiation today, day!  Woo hoo!  I am sad I didn't get to see the L1 Girls today, but thrilled that my skin gets to sit this day out.  I am definitely much more red and itchy now, though I think still doing better than most...I think?!  Instead of receiving rays of awesomeness we had Beth, Heather, and their families over for brunch (six total adults and eight kids). Pancakes, eggs, bacon, sausage, English muffins, and...chocolate croissants, oh my!  It was so much fun to make for them, even better to eat, and just wonderful to see all of the kids play together and enjoy each other's company.  Beth and Tom brought over The Lego Movie as well and the adults enjoyed some quality quiet time.  So cool!

This is the photo we took after Beth miraculously found the elusive die to my Lego Harry Potter game. We were very excited. Beth was so excited, she couldn't keep her eyes open!

Whoops

Okay, so I forgot to take a photo today.  But, look at the cute puppy!  Isn't he so cute?!  Oh...such a cute puppy!

Watson is 5 months old now.

P.S.  Seriously, the story of his adoption is truly going to be posted some day soon.  I actually wrote the entire thing two weekends ago, only for my computer to crash and lose it.  You can imagine my frustration.  Needless to say, I did not feel like re-writing it at that moment.

Hey, wait a second, who is this cute little puppy?!  Oh!  What a cute little puppy-like-thing. 

Cute, sweet, little puppy! 

Hugo is almost two-and-a-half.

Pink Skin

And then the day after we all agreed my skin was looking so good, this happened:

Nonetheless, I only have six more treatments to go and therefore I made it really far in this saga before becoming itchy and red, which is a really good thing.  Hopefully, I can continue to stay on the good side of the spectrum and not turn into a red-flaky-nasty-no-fun specimen.

Chocolate Therapy

Today I had a very late radiation appointment - 3pm.  My schedule indicated "SIM" on it and I wasn't quite sure what to expect.  The last time my schedule said "SIM" I believe was the time I had my hands over my head for like 45 minutes.  I wasn't super-excited to repeat that.

But this time, when I arrived Courtney told me she had brought treats and that after the SIM was over I could have them.  What?! Super-cool! Courtney totally knows what motivates this woman.  Plus, it turns out the SIM was a lot quicker and much easier than last time.  There was a series of x-rays taken and my arms did fall nasty asleep, but not nasty-nasty asleep.  After it was finished, Dr. Wilson came in to see that everything in the x-rays lined up okay and he actually said to me, "It couldn't have been more perfect."  That's pretty awesome  Then, he looked at my skin and said it continued to look really good and asked me what my secret was. I told him it was the prayers from all of you.

Then, it was all done and Courtney came in with these delicious desserts from Outpost.  I can't believe Courtney remembered this, but it must have been early on in my treatments that I was telling them about this delicious dessert Matt and I had at the hospital Bistro at one of my first Chemo treatments and how they never have it there anymore.  The Bistro gets their desserts from Outpost and Courtney had said that the next time she bikes past it she would check for it.  She wasn't sure which dessert it would be, so she brought back two of them for me to try. How nice!!!!

While I am not certain that what Matt and I had all those months ago was one of these desserts, I do know that they were really good.  And, somewhat (kind of) healthy-ish.  I mean, they were made with organic ingredients, anyway.  :-)

Thanks Courtney!  That really made my day!!!!