I could use that as an excuse...I have been very busy taking care of my kids...but, while that would definitely be a part of it, I think there was a larger road block that I may have finally reached some kind of detente with.
That road block has been one of mental health recovery. It's such an odd thing, really. You're living this life to the best of your abilities and then WHAM you are sucker-punched with The C Word, and you get into this groove that's called "fight cancer with all you've got", and while you're in that groove, people are rooting for, like on a daily basis, and they make food for you, and they do awesome things for you, and then one day you wake up, and you did it. You made it through the "fighting stage" and you are on the other side and it's such a...letdown.
Did you think I was going to say something else? Nope. It's the most bizarre thing ever. You should be happy because you don't.have.to.fight.cancer, anymore. But, instead it's this crazy combination of continued exhaustion, followed by the nagging questions, combined with the persistent reminders, mixed in with the fact that life is continuing on around you and people are constantly asking you, "Aren't you glad that's over with?" As if there could be any other answer...when really it was a question wrongly phrased. Because for me, it wasn't over with, really. I had a lot of demons to fight. I think I still do.
But, while I was on the new road of learning to fight those demons, a lot of my mental energy has gone to fighting the depression that came with them. Don't get me wrong, I have been super lucky. Lucky enough never to have been taken down into a real depressive state, but it has definitely been a battle over the last year, and while in the middle of it, it was a lot harder for me to blog.
I don't really like sharing all of those depressive thoughts unless there is some kind of something to be gotten out of them. Some kind of philosophical gain...or, something to laugh about. (That would work, too.) But, that kind of goes against the nature of being depressed, doesn't it?
So, while I wish I had had the ability to share all of those thoughts with you all, I think it would've have actually made it worse to hear your encouraging words. It would've made me feel like a wuss and I like to think I am strong.
Now that I am (maybe?) on the other side of this stage of The C Word, I can finally look back and share with you the takeaway. So, I hope to be picking up my "pen" again in the near future to share some more of my thoughts and experiences in this wonderful journey of life. And now, life after cancer.
