Livin' the Dream

If you have seen the Lego Movie, then you know what I am talking about when I say that "Everything is Awesome" is stuck my head.  If you don't know, then you should really watch this and feel my pain.



The thing I am laughing internally about is how the words to the song go:

Everything is awesome.
Everything is cool when you're part of a team
Everything is awesome
when we're livin' our dream.

Now, I cannot disagree that everything is awesome - it really is.  I can get behind that.  Even at the worst of times, we are still alive and living and loving.  And, I can also get behind it being cool when you're part of a team.  I mean, sure.  Why not???  But, I am having trouble with the everything is awesome when we're livin' our dream.  I think we can agree that I am not currently living my dream.  And so, having this song stuck in my head, while amazingly positive and upbeat, is also causing me to laugh-cry about how ridiculous it is.

I am glad to say that I can laugh about that.  Meaning, I can see the humor in singing a song about everything being awesome while battling cancer and having a daughter who was in the Children's hospital yesterday. But, I'm also shaking my head.  Rigorously.

Anyway...everything is awesome when your daughter's lab results come back and both tests on her kidneys are normal!  Hallelujah!  Had this not been the case, we would be seeing the nephrologist (kidney doctor) today and for the next several months.  I am so glad that I do not have to add that to my calendar of craziness and so thrilled that Lariska has bounced back so quickly.  She is home from school one more day, just to give her a chance to rest and drink lots of water, but she probably would've been okay going to school.

What a crazy life, when your daughter complains of an earache and finds out she has Strep (strep infections do not lead to ear infections, so they are completely unrelated and totally coincidental).  Ridiculous.  Is there a better word for this?  I guess I should be grateful, in a way, for the ear infection, or we may not have known about the Strep.  Sheesh!  You know us, we're just livin' the dream!

#thankfulforridiculousthings (that was for you, Cathy!)

Lari on Thursday morning, feeling so much better (holding her new kitty, Courage, and the art projects she made at the hospital.  Yes.  She did art at the hospital. If you are going to be sick, might as well be sick at a place where they keep you busy!)

P.S.  More awesome lyrics from this awesome song:

Trees, frogs, clogs
They're awesome!
Rocks, clocks, and socks
They're awesome!

What Stress?

So...as I was typing the previous post, my mom was running Lariska to the Pediatrician. She has been out of school for three days complaining of an earache and generally dizziness and a tummy ache. She had thrown up on Sunday, but we had also been in the Dells over the weekend and I figured she may have water in her ear as well as another round of the stomach flu. I was hoping the water would come out of its own accord and she would perk up by Tuesday afternoon.

So when she woke up this morning still feeling not-so-good, I decided it was time she get checked out. My mom wanted to take her in, so as to keep me away from the germs, and I was expecting to get a call that she had an ear infection and a virus. I was very surprised when, after not hearing from my mom for an hour, to call her and find out they were still at the Ped's and that Lari has Strep throat, an inner ear infection, an outer ear infection and had blood in her urine!  Not once did Lariska complain of a sore throat and so I had never even looked at it. I was even more surprised and chagrined to find out they were sending her to Children's!

It is now eight hours later.  We heard back from the lab and her kidney function is normal, so we think that is very good, since the blood in the urine is the main reason she was sent to the hospital. She was quite dehydrated, and has been on an IV drip for maybe the last three hours. It sounds like that pending on all her labs coming back good in the morning we should be able to go home. Talk about stress!  I thought she had a simple ear infection!  Sheesh. I am feeling like the world's worst Mommy.

Ugh.  Look at those circles under her eyes.  And, she is actually feeling a bit better in this photo.

Lari showing off her IV.

So Thankful

Have I mentioned how grateful we all are for all of the meals people have been bringing to us?  I feel guilty about it, because some days I feel pretty okay.  Other days, I really do not.  And sometimes that is hard to predict.  Regardless, not having to worry about what is for dinner and how it is going to get to the table (who is going to make it) has been such a stress-saver.  And, this is a really huge thing.

I live a relatively stressful life, being the mom of four active, relatively young kids.  Two of the four not only are still completely dependent on Matt and I for just about everything (getting a cup of water, wiping their bottom, etc.), but those two also have dairy and egg allergies, which makes life just that much more complicated. The older two are more independent - they can dress themselves and get their own cups of water (for the most part), but they have the added fun of coming home each day with homework, and they have after-school activities and before school activities.  It is not like they can make it through the day without some help from Matt and I.  And, they all need attention, love, care, all of the time.

And, I have been trying very hard to keep my stress levels to a minimum.  To keep my body rested and my mind positive.  I know these things will help to fight off the cancer.  I truly believe that all of the delicious, healthy, lovingly prepared meals we are receiving has been a major part of the reason why I am doing so well.  If I had to think about dinner each day, my stress levels would be so much higher as I tried to cook, pay attention to the kids, and stay healthy/well-rested...and that would only be on the days I feel good. There are generally one to two days each week that I get a stomachache and don't feel like eating much at all.  On those days, I wouldn't even have the energy to cook, regardless.

So, thank you all SO, SO much for taking such good care of us.  We are incredibly grateful!

Look at this meal the Burzinskis brought us yesterday!

And, I so wish I had taken a photo of the meal the Brandels brought us on Monday.  Ham, cheesy potatoes, cinnamon apples, rice and broccoli, rolls, oh my!  It was SO good!  I eat in my room on Mondays after Chemo (because the Benadryl makes me kind of sleepy-drunk), so I didn't think to take a picture.  I wish I had.

Thank you, thank you, thank you all.  And, thank you to everyone who has sent us gift cards as well!  We use those on the weekends a lot and that has kept the stress levels down as well.  You are all so amazing! Thank you!

Picture/Video Awesomeness

I received this photo this weekend from Jenny Rybarczyk - her sons, Logan and Gavin were in a hockey tournament and decided to wear pink shoelaces for me!  So cool!!!  Of course, I really like his tough Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles face, too!!!  Thanks Boys!

I also received this photo on Friday from Carrie Kons. All of her kids wore their pink to school or around the house on Friday. Thank you, Kons Kids!

Finally. Mark and Carrie went to a concert at their church this weekend. Mark had sent me a video early on (like back in October) of Tim Timmons playing a song he thought I would enjoy. This weekend they got to see it live. Mark sent this video clip to me:

Great words.  He even paraphrased-ish one of Matt and my favorite Bible verses - Matthew 6:34 "Do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow has enough worries of its own."

And, here is an acoustic version of the song that Mark had sent me last year:

Thanks Mark!

I love all of the encouragement. It really makes a difference!

Major Awesomeness

I know it is a God thing when I am having a bad day and then in walks my husband with the mail and flowers and suddenly everything seems so much better.  First of all, Matt is home!  That is a huge gift.  Another set of hands, lungs, and a working brain is super-beneficial in this house.  And then, to walk in with beautiful, sunny, yellow flowers.  So happy!  The amazing thing is that they were from a client of his who we had run into at the Day Hospital (where you get Chemo) and were going through their own difficulties.  For them to think of us in this time is just amazing and so sweet.  Thank you so much Mr. and Mrs. M. - the flowers really brightened my day.

And, to add to that I also received some really nice mail.  I got a card from Mr. Marty, who sends me one quite often.  I love hearing about what the Marty family is up to and it is just so nice to know that they are thinking about us.  I also received some very special words from a family friend, Leslie MacIntyre.  She has just returned from a mission trip to Honduras and told me something I did not know - Leslie has been going to Honduras every year for 12 years and it sounds like she hadn't planned on going back again after the first year, but apparently I encouraged her to pray about it.  She heard God calling her back again and has been going for all these years.  That made me feel pretty good.  (Leslie, by the way, is 86!)  Thank you for telling me that, Leslie.  And, thank you also, for the beautiful bookmark.

Finally, I received a card from long-time (HS and college) friend, Sarah Stutz.  She had read my blog and wanted me to know that it makes her look at the world differently.  That is pretty neat.  I think that lately (since hitting "The Wall") I have been having a harder time keeping a positive attitude.  Sarah helped me to remember that my children may be being difficult, but they are doing it because they love me and are comfortable around me.  I totally agree with that, Sarah.  I have actually told my mom and Linda the same thing about why the children feel like they can throw fits in front of them (and to them).  It is good to be reminded and it is also good to know that other moms struggle with their children sometimes, too.  My eldest, in particular, has said some pretty hurtful words, but I know she is seeing the world through her nine year old eyes, and that from her point of view the world looks bigger and scarier, and that her fears may be coming out in anger.  Thank you so much, Sarah, for being encouraging to me as a mother and as a person struggling with a world that is out of her control right now.  You helped to turn my day around, so my whole family thanks you!

It is amazing what a few words and some pretty flowers can do.  I am going to try like mad to remember that when I am through with this whole experience!

And The Results Are In...

I have received a call from the geneticist this afternoon and I am NEGATIVE for all of the genetic tests that they were able to do at this time (which was a 44-panel test).  What does this mean?  It means I can breathe a sigh of relief for Kyrie, Lari, Declan and Hugo, for all my nieces and nephews, and for my sister and brothers.

Of course, this also means there is still the big WHY hanging out there, but I am resigned to having the WHY if it means I can feel more safe about my children.

And then of course, it would have been nice to blame genetics for this problem, because now I feel like people, including me, are going to be looking at me and saying "Okay, so what did you do wrong?"  Because everyone would like to avoid those things themselves or have something concrete to blame my cancer on so they can feel more safe.  Something I could not blame them for and yet it completely sucks when you are the person that is being scrutinized.

But really, I couldn't tell you.  Remind to write a blog post about all of the things I did right sometime.

What a rollercoaster this ride is.

Help Wanted

So many people have asked me how they can help.  In general, I have said that I have so much support that unless you want to sign up to bring a meal, what I really need is prayers.  But, now I have a request.  Part of the reason, I have so much support is because of my mother.  She has been helping to take care of my family for the past (almost) five months now.  Remember when I hit The Wall?  I think she did, too.

Now, her mother (my grandmother) is in the hospital with breathing troubles.  She has been there since Sunday and it is looking like she will be there at least until tomorrow.  Even if she does come home tomorrow, my mom is under a lot of stress trying to juggle helping her while also helping us.

What I would like to request is that if you know my mom and you know what a giving person she is that you take a moment to say a prayer for her.  If you have more than a moment, and you can send her a card, that would be awesome.  If you have more than a few moments and you could bring her a meal, that would be beyond awesome.

Thank you so much for being there for me as well as my entire family.  We are so blessed.

Seventh Treatment

Over half-way finished with this last course of Chemo!  Admittedly, I was under the impression that I had only four left to go after yesterday, but a quick look shows that I got a bit ahead of myself and have five left to go, but still that is way less than 12!  (Or 20! - which is where I started.)  Woo hoo!  So far, I have not had to put off a one in this course and that is awesome, but Chemo is cumulative and so these coming weeks are probably the more critical ones for keeping my numbers looking good...I am going to try and consume plenty of iron and protein, and stay healthy!

My MRI, however, is only two weeks away.  Which, I believe is what they will be basing the surgery strategy off of, so if you get a chance, please pray for great results.  Complete response.  Complete response.  Complete response.  Complete response.  Complete response.  Complete response.  (Actually, I am not sure they can determine the complete response thing till after the surgery, but it would still be incredibly awesome and a huge relief if this step showed that there was nothing to see!)

My Chemo buddies yesterday were (as always) my husband, Matthew, Jenny Rybarczyk, and new-comer - Bill Berrall.  I am not sure Bill Berrall should have come - it is hard on a father to see his daughter hooked up to toxic chemicals, but I hope, Pop, that we showed you that it's not so bad, either...at least for me.  I know there are plenty of others out there going through more horrendous things, so sitting in a chair for a few hours doesn't seem so bad.  It doesn't hurt.  It doesn't make me feel ill.  (Okay, the Benadryl in the pre-drugs causes me to get a bit inebriated, but lots of people sign up for that particular side-effect in their weekend free-time, so that's not so bad either.)  And, I get to spend time with good people!  That's the best part about it!

Now...if only we could tell the weather to stop making it snow or -20 on Mondays, that would be a big bonus!

Think Pink

Yesterday, our family was invited to attend the "Think Pink" Women's Basketball game at UWM.  It was an affair!  We arrived around 12:30pm and were able to enjoy a bit of their Health Fair, followed by some yummy food in the Panther Pit, the game, free Think Pink t-shirts, my name announced during the game along with two other cancer battlers/survivors, and much more.  We were treated like royalty and had a fun time just being out and about.  Hugo, of course, did not join us, being that it was naptime.  And Kyrie is adverse to loud higher-pitched noises (like, extremely adverse) and so she stayed home because that was just the right decision - thank you for making the right decision, Kyrie.  And, thank you to Linda who was kind enough to babysit so we could attend this event.

The Lady Panthers, unfortunately, did not win their game, but it is my understanding that this was a tough team to beat (Green Bay).  They sure did fight hard and it was a close one!  Matt's friend and exercise bud, David Rechlicz is married to the coach - she was amazing!  I know, typical woman to comment on her outfit, but I couldn't believe she wore those heels throughout the whole game.  I could never do that.  Plus, she must have one heck of a voice to be able to communicate with those girls during a loud game.  She is a tough woman!  And, obviously kind-hearted, to invite us to be guests at the game.

Thank you so much, Rechlicz family!

Happy Valentine's Day!

My body told me to stay in bed and sleep a little longer.  My brain said, "Get up, you lazy-head.  You must do something for Valentine's Day!"  Since my short-term planning skills are kinda sad, I did what I could with the situation.  I had already known I wanted to make bacon hearts...so that's what I did.  Nothing more. Nothing crazy.  Nothing over the top.  But, in a family like mine, bacon is the way to their hearts anyway. So, I think I did okay.

Happy Valentine's Day!

Some Awesomeness

It has been awhile since I have posted "some awesomeness", which I feel bad about because it is not due to there not being any awesomeness.  Rather, it is due to attempting to participate in what I might currently refer to as "my so called life".  I wish I had the discipline to update this blog each and every day...I know I have a lot to say and that it would probably help my current mental status if I were to get all my thoughts out, but...it just doesn't work that way when you have a two-year old (and four-year old....and seven-year old...and nine-year old).

The fact is, however, that there has been awesomeness.  I need to mention how I receive a card almost every week from Mary Ann Steuber - another member of our church. It is amazing to me that she remembers to send one to us each week, let alone finds a new and different card to send.  They always uplift me and they always allow me to take a moment to breathe.

This past Sunday, while at my parent's house for dinner, my dad's Cousin John Bruckner stopped by with a bag full of brand new crazy socks!!!!  Wow!!!  This is so cool.  I am sorry to say that in the confusion of people talking and kids running around that I am not certain if the socks are from John and his wife, Karen, or if they are from their daughter, Abby, or if Abby shopped for them but they are from everyone in the Bruckner family?!?!  Regardless, I sure do appreciate them!  Thank you! 

And...Cousin John (as he is referred to), also brought a basket filled with fruit, candy hearts, Valentine's pencils, and Valentine's straws and Valentine's candy and Valentine's pasta that Karen put together.  We had a lot of fun doling it all out to all of the Berrall cousins running around and they had fun receiving it.  Thank you so much, Bruckners! You went to a lot of work and it was just beautiful and so very nice!

On Monday, we received dinner from the Neinas family, from our church.  Annette was nice enough to make dairy and egg-free cupcakes!  Holy moly can you say "score!"  The boys were so thrilled.  Although, apparently my mom would like to have words with you, Annette, about the blue frosting!  :-)  Too funny! Thank you so much for the delicious meal and for the delighted look all over the boys' faces!

We also received an amazing allergy-free "Brinner" (breakfast for dinner) from the Fox family on Tuesday evening.  We have a saying around here - "Breakfast. It's what's for dinner" - because the kids love this meal so much.  We rarely ever make breakfast for breakfast, more often we have it for dinner!  Thanks so much, Foxes for knowing just what the kids like!

And thank you all for continued thoughts and prayers.  You will never know how much they are appreciated!

The Weekend

And...bam!  It's the weekend again.  How does this happen?!  I feel like my life is a series of Mondays, followed by a few days of haziness, followed by a weekend filled with craziness, followed by...a Monday.

It's 8:16am.  So far today I have managed to:

• Eat breakfast (Leftover enchiladas.  Yes, enchiladas for breakfast!  Yum!  Thank you, Wurtzbachers!)
• Make Kyrie angry with me - she has a project due at school on Tuesday and I have asked her to draw straight-edged lines under the pictures to write her sentences on, instead of scribbling them haphazardly across the page.  But, apparently this is asking too much.
• Nod at Lariska - who tells me every 30 seconds to two minutes how many more points she has made on Subway Surfer...an app on her iPod.

• Have a conversation with Matthew about Kyrie not putting enough effort into her homework and Lariska playing too much on her iPod.  Matt says we are in "Survival Mode", not "Thrival Mode". What I hear: "Give it up, Kelly."  Which is only fair, since it will all fall to his shoulders once again come Monday, but still...

• Tell Declan to stop whining.

• Type these few sentences despite Hugo sitting on my lap and pushing my arms to the side every two minutes or having to delete all the times he has tried to type for me. 

Only 35 more hours left to the weekend (with kids awake).  Will they be fun?  Will they be stressful?  Will we manage to get anything accomplished?  Will I be able to spend at least one of those minutes making it clear to each of these kids how much I love them?  Or, will I allow myself to get sucked into the drama that is our life?  There is a lot to be done (Valentine's, Homework, Lego Movie, meals, soccer, naps, Olympics and more).  Some of it is work.  Some of it is fun.  All of it is...

Declan (streaking by): I have to go potty!  I have to go potty!  I have to go potty!

Declan (desperate voice): I can't open the door!  (Child-proofed, thanks to Hugo's antics in the toilet.)

Me: Did someone lock this door from the inside?!  Declan, run upstairs.

Suck it up, Buttercup!  34.75 more hours.

P.S.  Check out the awesome shirt Jenny Rybarczyk had made for me (and one for her, too!).  So cool!!!!

Hugo (pulling arms out of sleeves): I taking jammies off.
Me: Why, Hugo?!
Hugo: I cold.

Fifth Treatment

If you read my previous post, you will see there is no boo-yah to accompany this treatment.  I did it.  It's done.  Seven more to go.  Yayyyyy....not.

I did have a doctor appointment this week as it was the first Monday of the month.  They said that, "Everything looks good."  My iron counts are holding fairly stable, only borderline anemic, instead of actual anemic. I was approved for Chemo, so I assume that means the lymphocytes and all that jazz were acceptable.  They said the tumor may feel even smaller; something about the borders being less distinguishable.  So, that's all good.  Yay!  For real.

We talked a little bit about upcoming dates, tests, appointments, and more fun stuff.  I am anxious to get my surgery on the calendar, because if I can work it all out perfectly (and there's not a lot of wiggle room), I would finish Chemo on the 24th of March.  The kids will be home from school the week before Easter, so I would like to have surgery the very week after Easter (sometime the week of April 21st).  Then, with like five to six weeks to recover, I would really like to go to Portland with Heather the first weekend of June and meet Beth there as well.  Something to look forward to!!!  I was hoping to truly be able to look forward to this as of today, but alas, they want me to make it through all my February Chemos, without having to push any back, and then I can (I get) to have another MRI (an hour of lying on my stomach with my arms above my head while a machine makes the loudest most annoying clunking noises you have ever heard), followed by an appointment with the surgeon (who is truly very sweet and nice, so I will actually look forward to that), followed by the scheduling of the surgery, followed by the rest of my Chemos, followed by...the dreaded surgery, followed by recovery, followed by maybe going to Portland, followed by six weeks of radiation every day, followed by...freedom???  Is that possible?  So, I now have an MRI on the 4th of March, and an appointment with Dr. Kong on the 11th of March.  Gee, March is going to be fun!

In an attempt to now become a little more upbeat, I would like to say that I wanted to dedicate this round of Chemo (is that a weird thing to do?) to my friend, Denise Kostka, who provided me with these awesome cancer-kicking socks:

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Could those be any more perfect?!  I just love them!  Denise is going through her own thing, fighting liver cancer.  She is doing really great, but needs to gain some weight back, so she can have some more energy, so she can continue to fight this nasty cancer stuff.  If you would take a moment to say a prayer for her, I sure would appreciate it.  Denise is a wife, mom and grandmother to a new-ish young man, Luke (I want to say he is like 20 months old???), so she needs to gain this energy back to be there for these important people!

Finally, this week I was lucky enough to have four Kelly's Army members at Chemo this week - Jenny R., Heather,  Jen S. and Matt (taking the picture).  They helped me to "Suck it up, Buttercup!" and we had a nice time chatting.  I am so grateful to have such wonderful, committed, loyal, kind, caring friends!  Thank you girls!

The Wall

I have hit a metaphorical wall.  Well, I am thinking of my life in a marathon runner's terms (something I am, ironically and absolutely, not).  But, don't they talk about how at a certain mileage point, everything becomes more difficult; the muscles start to protest and all that.  Yeah...I am there.  I am tired of dealing with all this. I protest, heart, mind, body, soul.  I have hit a wall.

It pains me to say that, because I have wanted this blog to stay positive, but I realized this weekend that this blog isn't for me to project some kind of happy-go-lucky-I-love-cancer attitude.  It is for me to share my feelings and get them out so I can move on.  And right now, they aren't super-positive.

It probably has something to do with experiencing some of the worst moments of the year this weekend.  A son who pours syrup all over the play kitchen, linoleum floor, and oh yeah, the carpet.  Another son who is constantly pouncing on everyone, grabbing, and shoving, and being physically in all of our faces.  I know he just wants some attention, but it's frustrating.  A daughter, who when she gets tired, could win any whining contest in the world - we're talking nails on chalkboard, people, it's that grating to my ears.  And, another daughter who has declared that this cancer stuff is something I made up and I'm just faking it to get out doing mother-stuff.  Ouch.  Well, that daughter also threw a fit of colossal proportions this weekend, which that statement was actually only one minor part of; but it is the statement that most stuck with me, as I didn't realize how much my lack of energy has affected her.  That daughter, the eldest, is in need of a lot of attention, in general, so I should have known, but this fit came after I spent an entire afternoon and evening with her and her friends (Girl Scout cookie booth, out for dinner, then to see Annie at the Sharon Lynn Wilson Center) - none of our other children present for any portion of that time.  Very frustrating.

After all that, I had to wake up on Monday morning and go get me some Chemo.  Yayyyyyyy.....not.  You know, I did want these four kids.  I wanted to stay home and raise them all. I had big plans of super-mom status.  I was looking forward to volunteering for everything.  I wanted to be at all their soccer games, and school parties.  I wanted to bake cookies, and do homework, and play games, and watch movies and have experiences together.  I am hoping we still can.  But, right now, when it's soccer game time, it's a good opportunity for me to lie down and get some of my energy back.  There's no way I'm baking any stinkin' cookies.  And, going to parties at their germ-infested schools?  My husband and mother protest, despite my attempts to go.

The doctors tell me my "numbers look good" but that I "need to take it easy".  I still have seven more weeks of Chemo to go and if I overdue it and have to miss a week, all that does is prolong the agony.  Grrrr....

The silver-lining.  If this cancer treatment stuff is a marathon, and I have hit a wall then I think what comes next is a second-wind, right?!  I just have to make it to that second-wind.  Oh second-wind, where are you? From whence will you come?  Blow this frozen world away, bring some warmer weather, and a bunch of cancer-fighting spirit for me, would you, please?  (Thank you.)