Great Expectations

Disclaimer: I wrote this post several weeks ago, basically a few days after my second surgery.  I had actually gone through the process of posting it and then shortly afterward jumped over to Facebook to see what there was to see there.  When I got there I discovered that my sister had posted a very enthusiastic and wonderful post about how I was cancer-free -- and she included a link to this blog...which was just fine and totally okay, except that I didn't want a person who knew very little about me to jump from her excited post to my cynical and snarky post (below).  It didn't feel right, so I took the post down.

Later, I talked with a new friend of mine about our respective blogs.  Jamie is a member of the Young Survivor's Coalition, and she encouraged me to put this post back out there.  To not sugar-coat everything, but to be real.  I think that, for the most part, I have been pretty real on this blog.  I leave out details sometimes because it is either just too much information or not something I feel comfortable sharing.  And, in general, I make it a rule not to post on bad days because it is my experience that one bad day is followed by five good ones and I don't think those days are a fair representation of myself.  For example, I might have a down day where I question absolutely everything, but then the next days are great and I talk myself back up again and know that everything is going to be okay.  A few hours of negative thinking does not warrant a word-rampage -- I would rather wait for the time when I am back to myself to share my thoughts.

But, what I wrote below did not come from a bad day exactly, more like a general feeling of this experience overall.  And so...I am going to go ahead and share it.  In the end, I feel it was a positive message.  Happy reading.

05/01/2014

Apparently, I have been so spoiled by the miracle of your prayers throughout this whole cancer adventure that my expectations have gotten out of hand.  Chemo went so well and I was hearing that my tumor was 1cm or smaller and I just felt so close to that "Complete Response" thing.  And, I stupidly read on the internet - something they told me not to do and I really haven't done too much of - that getting a complete response greatly reduces your risk of recurrence.  I can't remember the percentage and don't feel like I should look it up now anymore, but yeah...I was just so excited because I was so close.  Really. I could taste it.  And, it sounded so, so good...

When I looked in the mirror after surgery, I felt like I no longer recognized myself.  Well, actually, I have been feeling that way for a long time.  But now it really hit home.  I have been bald for the last six months, I have a scar where they put in the port and a bump where the port sticks out.  My nails are discolored and my toes feel arthritic.  I have gained 10-15 lbs (depending on the day) and now I have mis-matched breasts -- one smaller than than even before.  I have a long scar across that breast as well as another one under my right arm.  I have a hole under my right arm with a tube hanging out of it where the fluid my body used to drain via my lymph nodes is now being drained into the tube.  I have to empty that tube several times a day.  When I look in the mirror, I am just not sure I see the same person anymore.

But, when our surgeon heard about my disappointment at the lopsided boobs, her response was something to the effect of, "But your missing the point.  Your lymph nodes were clear!  And, also I can't even tell when I look at you that one is smaller than the other." (As I am wheeled out of the hospital with a surgical bra on.)

I told Matt this evening that I guess when you have cancer you have to lower your expectations a little.  I guess you are not supposed to be disappointed by a .5cm tumor, or lopsided boobs, or hair that is coming in unevenly.  I guess you are supposed to rejoice that your hair is coming in at all, that you still have some breast left, and that there was hardly any tumor for them to take.

No really.  That is what you are supposed to do.  It just doesn't seem fair.

So...this is me, lowering my expectations a notch and apologizing for getting out of hand............

...Okay, and now this is me shaking all of the sarcasm out of my system and truly saying to myself and everyone I know and thanking God from the bottom of my heart that:

1) I am alive
2) I am cancer-free (and radiation will hopefully make that even more certain)
3) I am so blessed to have such an amazing network of pray-ers and supporters and friends
4) That even though I set my sights a little too high, the goal that we attained is still absolutely, and undeniably amazing.  And, I could never take that for granted.

So, thank you all so much.  I could not have gotten this far without all of you.