Goodbye. Hello.

So yeah, there are several reasons why it has taken me so long to finally blog about the Lumpectomy versus Mastectomy decision...  The first of which is because I am still trying to wrap my head around all of its complexities.  The second reason is because I just don't want to think about it.  And, the third reason is that I had a rougher than average week this week -- possibly fighting off a cold that the boys passed on to me or possibly the cumulative aspects of the Chemo have finally caught up to me.  All, I know is that on Thursday I had difficulty moving my muscles, which ached and hurt, and reduced me to a TV-watching lump on my bed all day.  I have experienced these aches in past weeks, but not to this degree.  I hope it was just that I am fighting off a cold because otherwise this coming week is not going to be fun - Kyrie has several musical performances that I must attend or I will be written off forever as the mom who cared the least...or something like that in her nine-year old mind.  Sheesh! The pressure.

Anyway.  As I reported last week, we have been given definite approval for a lumpectomy and now the decision is up to us.  Here is my wonderful list of pros and cons:

Click on photo to embiggen.

As you can see there are lots of reasons to choose a Lumpectomy and not so many reasons to choose a Mastectomy.  But, the real problem as to why this decision is so difficult is because you can't go by quantity, you have to also take into consideration weight.

Now, I really don't think I am a vain person.  I think my friends would tell you that before this cancer nonsense I didn't put a lot of stock into what my hair looked like or what clothes I was wearing and I can certainly tell you that I almost never wore makeup.  I am not a bikini wearer and tend to dress pretty modestly overall.  But, I do like to dress up on occasion and I definitely like to feel like I look good when I do.  I think you know what I mean, because don't we all???

When I think about how I know I am going to choose the Lumpectomy, what immediately follows is a sense of sadness.  Why?  Can you try and see this from my perspective.  They told me I had cancer. That sucked.  They told me I had to have Chemo.  That really sucked.  They told me I was going to have a Mastectomy.  That also really, really sucked.  Then they told me that I would have reconstructive surgery and that they might even be able to rid me of some of my stretch marks (by using tummy fat to do the surgery).  More surgery sucked, but the other stuff didn't sound so bad. I mean, you have to find some good in all of this or it would just overtake you.  And, so I latched on to that goodness.  I mean, if I had to have cancer, at least maybe I would come out of it looking decent.

Now, six months later, I am hearing not only did you have to have cancer, chemo, and still have to have a surgery (oh, and radiation), but when it is all said and done you will also probably be deformed. BUT, congratulations, you can have a better surgery!  Yay........
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                                                                                                                          ........
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                                                                                                                                          ........

I guess one additional thing I should probably explain to you is that the deformed area will be right along the the inner cleavage-le position.  In other words, my days of wearing tank tops, scoop neck shirts, certain shaped swimsuits, etc. are likely to be numbered.  I may not be vain, but I like to feel comfortable, and I don't think I will feel comfortable with a huge scar sticking out of my chest region. So, yeah, congratulations Kelly, you can choose only certain types of clothes....For. The. Rest. Of. Your. Life.

Alright, I might be being a little dramatic.  It may not turn out that bad.  We won't know until after the surgery.  Of course, and here's another thing that's hard to convey the weight of on the pros and cons list - we could choose the Lumpectomy only to find out that I have to have a Mastectomy after all.  In which case, I will not have saved myself from two surgeries at all.  I will have added a surgery onto the docket, because "No" they don't just go ahead and perform that Mastectomy while you are still under.  No.  They have to wait until they get the pathology report days or weeks later only to find out that everything isn't clear and whoops, we are going to have to put you under again and make you go through another recovery all over again, and now that you psyched yourself all up for the privilege of getting to keep the breast that tried to do you in, we are going to have to take it anyway...BUT, congratulations, now you can have that reconstructive surgery that you just convinced yourself you didn't want anyway!  Yay........

Which basically means I have to pick between two things and try to choose which one sucks less. Lucky me.  (Insert pity party here.)

I am doing my best to "Suck it up, Buttercup!", but unfortunately, this one affects me for the rest of my life, which I hope will be long and eventful.  Goodbye cleavage.  Goodbye chance at youthful boobs. Goodbye almost flat tummy.  Hello boring t-shirts.  Welcome back beautiful stretch marks.

I am 99% sure I will be choosing a Lumpectomy.