Ground Hog's Day

I am not gonna lie. This was a tough day for me. I found it very hard not to feel the "unfairness"'of it all. I really felt like I faced the fear of having surgery last week with a brave face and a good attitude and to ask me to do that all over again when I did so good last week was just plain not fair. 

Of course there isn't anything about having cancer that is fair. But that's just something that has become a daily battle for me to accept. To have cancer and have to do the surgery over again is just adding insult to injury. 

BUT, I did it. It's done.  I felt like I was in the movie Ground Hog's Day. I went to the same pre-surgery room (lucky number 22). They weren't able to get the IV on the first try, yet again. Had the same "You understand the risks" talk and all that fun stuff and then got wheeled off to a similar room that I soon forgot all about due to being sound asleep. 

It did go by quickly - apparently they expected the actual surgery portion of the morning to last 15 minutes. I think the anesthesia and intubating and all that fun stuff probably took longer.  Coming out of the anesthesia took me awhile - an hour in the recovery room and then several more hours in another room. I'm just so dizzy afterward. 

This time I had the bonus of having a swollen lip and a much worse sore throat. Really makes you wonder what all goes on when you are out.  And basically just adds more insult on to the injury pile. 

But...anyway...it's over with. Now I wait another week to hear the results of this go-round. Please pray that this time the margins are completely clear. I really don't want to repeat this again next Wednesday.  I may spend the entire time crying rather than just a few minutes. 

Finally, I am going to celebrate the excitement of my lymph nodes being clear; I swear I am. Just give me till I hear I don't have to do another surgery and I will be jumping up and down for joy. I am looking forward to it. 

Carrie Kons gave me this bear before the first surgery. He was waiting for my when I returned from the second surgery. Thank you for the bravery boost, Carrie!

The Fog

Well, I am beginning to wonder if I will ever be able to finish that more detailed post on my New York trip, or another post on what the surgery was like...

Got the call this afternoon.  The one where I thought for sure they were going to tell me that the lumpectomy went great, the pathology came back and they got the margins all wonderfully clear.  I had been having some twinges under my arm in the weeks after Chemo and was expecting to hear that my lymph nodes were not clear (which also meant I would not qualify for that research study).

Instead, what she said was the exact opposite - Great news, yay and all that - my lymph nodes were clear - all 29 of them (I think that is a lot of lymph nodes)!  Unfortunately, the margins were not.  So sorry to tell you that this means you need to do surgery over again so we can clear those margins.  But, it will be a really short surgery.  Ha.  What difference does it make when you are not awake to feel the passing of time?  (Okay, I suppose it means less time under anesthesia and less waiting for those that are waiting, but still...)

As my friend, Beth said, I have to do my fear landscape over again.  More needles, more anesthesia, another breathing tube, more drugs, more recovery, more fun.  Sigh.  When I woke up from the surgery last week and she showed me her handiwork, I remember thinking I had made the right decision.  I was glad I chose a Lumpectomy.  I could be looking down at nothingness, but I wasn't.

But you may remember when I was making the Lumpectomy vs. Mastectomy decision that under the Cons list I had "Could still need Mastectomy".  Well, that is not what I am hearing her saying.  We are not moving right to Mastectomy, but maybe I should've been more clear that it could mean more surgery, regardless, if they don't get those margin things.  And now my new fear is that I will do this additional surgery only to find out they still didn't get the margins and now we really are looking at a Mastectomy.  Not only another surgery, but now the loss of my vision of the future, yet again.

I really am not sure how well I would handle that. I feel like I have been hanging tough.  Facing things as they come and saying, "Ok.  I can do this.  I just gotta get through it and then we can move on."  But, I am supposed to be past this step and now I am looking at repeating it.  Isn't that the definition of insanity (doing the same thing over again and expecting a different outcome)?

So...yeah...my insanity is already scheduled for tomorrow morning at 8:30am.  I have to be at the hospital at 6:45am (an improvement on last week's 5:30am, so I guess not everything will be the same).  I have no idea what time I will be home, but I think a safe bet is 4pm, since it took me quite some time to come out of the anesthesia fog last week and I know they want you to get up and move around a bit before you are discharged.

I have a lot going on right now - soccer season has started for three of our kids, I started potty training Hugo on Monday (and he was doing really great), summer registration for Parks and Rec is this Saturday and I have been busy making complicated charts of who is doing what which week and how we will get there and make it work (while also doing radiation every day for many of those weeks), it seems like it is field trip season at school and preschool, not to mention I was supposed to be in co-charge of Staff Appreciation at Burleigh in two weeks and am now very grateful there are really good people who have stepped up to take that over.  But, it makes me feel like a big ol' failure.  I know I am not.  I really do.  I still feel like one.

Plus, my "carrot" for making it through the last surgery was a Girls Weekend this weekend in Lake Geneva.  I still plan to have that Girls weekend, but am hoping that I am not too hepped up on drugs to enjoy it.

Here's to praying for clear margins this time around and for the fog to lift quickly and completely so I can get back to the more important things in life.

Surgery Complete

I should be sleeping. But, I was woken up at five past midnight to have vitals taken, and as long as I was up made a trip to the bathroom. That is somewhat of an ordeal with an aching arm and nurses checking your output (really?) and such. And then since we did all that I may as well take some more pain meds (Vicadin - so far, I am not sure what the fuss is about this stuff. Then again, I am not big on any drugs, so I guess I would think that). And then those meds needed some crackers to go with them. Oh and we may as well empty your drain (temporarily doing the job of my lymph nodes)...and the garbage. Huh?!  Needless to say I am wide awake. 

And they'll be back at 4am. That gives me 20 minutes to type. 30 minutes to fall back asleep and then two hours to actually sleep. Lovely. Isn't healing accomplished while you are sleeping?  How come hospitals never let you sleep then???

Well, I did it. One more step I can check off from this journey. My lumpectomy is over with. The wire-guiding proocedure finished. Lymph nodes removed. Next step: Healing. 

There isn't a ton to say about the surgery at 1AM. I could tell you about the Twilight Drug, or the anesthesia I breathed in through this inflatable rubber mask that seemed to suffocate. I could share that the doctor said all went well and now we wait for the Pathology report (due mid-next week). But really that's all fairly boring. 

So why don't I tell you about these awesome things they have attached to my legs that pump up and then deflate. No seriously, I love them. I assume they are to help with blood circulation, but I don't really know. Here's what I do know - Chemo has left with me muscle aches and soreness, especially in my toes, calves and shins which could, apparently last for up to a year. This inflatable thing is like a constant massage for my legs. I love it. I want to take it home with me. Be gone muscle aches!  Away with you forever. Wake up tingly toes!  Go to sleep painful shins!  Relax queasy calves. It's time to move on to under-arm soreness and discomfort, don't you know!!!

So, good morning world. Good morning, new body. Good morning, next step. Good morning, new attitude. Good morning cancer freedom!

And now...good night. 

Surgery

I am hoping to come back and add to the "Quick Version" update that I posted a few days ago, including some photos of our New York trip.  But, before I have the opportunity to do that, I would like to update you on the coming events(?) of this week.

We had our pre-surgery educational meeting today and learned several things.  First, I will, indeed, be spending the night in the hospital.  I can't decide how I feel about this.  I vacillate between being bummed about it - I don't sleep well in hospitals; they annoy you constantly - and being okay with it - it means I don't have to worry about kids jumping on me or worrying about seeing me in pain, etc.  I guess I am going to come down on the side of being okay with it, since I don't really have a choice.

Second, I have to be at the hospital at 5am on Wednesday.  5 AM!!!!  Say what?!  Argh!  This is super-un-thrilling.  At 7am, I will be having some kind of procedure whereby a radiologist will insert a guiding wire to the tumor for the surgeon to follow.  They tell me this is good news - it means the tumor is so small that she can't feel it by simple palpation.  But, at the moment it doesn't feel like very good news. I don't like extra procedures.  Especially the kind that require more needles and while you are awake.  The surgery itself will be begin at 8:30am and take approximately two hours. Ugh.  SO not looking forward to this.

After the surgery, I will not be able to lift more than 10 lbs. for quite some time (sorry, Hugo).  I will not be able to sleep on my right side.  I will have a drain for the fluids that will collect due to the lymph node removal.  I will have to actually drain this drain once or twice a day, lucky me.  I will not be able to lift my arms above my head, until I get approval to do so.  I will more than likely have to have physical therapy to get my arm movement back. AND (my favorite), I will have to be mindful of cuts, scrapes, burns (including sun burn), and the like on my right arm for the rest of my life.  Yes, you heard that right - for the rest of my life.  Major or minor, it could apparently cause my arm to swell up like a balloon, due to the lack of lymph nodes...and that would be bad.

Seeing as how I plan to live to be a hundred, being "mindful" of my arm for the rest of my life means that I will have to live with this issue longer than I have actually enjoyed a normal, perfectly functioning right arm  Can you imagine my disgust and annoyance with this?  I really am trying not to ask all of the "why" questions, but when I hear the words "for the rest of your life" it is hard not to question the why of it.  Then again... I would rather deal with it, than the alternative.  Then again, again, I would rather be perfectly healthy and not be having to think about any of this at all.  And then, as I would tell my children, I would also like to live in a world where horses fly, and unicorns were real.  So yeah...

Moving on...I am looking forward to being past this stage of the cancer-kicking game.  As I told Matt, I am just going to concentrate on Thursday, when it will all be over.  Possibly, I should concentrate on June, instead, but then I will be in the radiation-stage and I probably won't be enjoying that so much, either.  So, Thursday it is.

Please say a prayer for Dr. Kong, the radiologist, the nurses and anesthesiologists, my husband, children, mom and I as we face the fun that will be my Lumpectomy this Wednesday, April 23rd.  Thank you!!!!!

The Quick Version

As fast of an update as I am capable of giving:

- 03/24 - finished Chemo. We officially choose Lumpectomy. 

- 03/26-03/28 - attended ALL of Kyrie's musical performances (man was I exhausted...and sore. So weird.)

- 03/31 - celebrated Kyrie's 10th birthday!  (Well, actually we celebrated 03/30 with the Kons side, 03/31 as a family and 04/02 with the Berrall side. Crazy!)

04/03 - left for New York!  Saw four shows. Went to the Museum of Natural History. Saw the new building at Ground Zero. Did some shopping. Went to taping of Katie Show. Saw Colin Firth!  Lots of walking, lots of good eating, lots of fun. 

04/08 - returned home. 

04/09 - I am back to on my own with four kids. And, my grandma went to the hospital with trouble breathing. They end up sending her to hospice. 

04/10 - Field trip to MSO with Lariska. Visit grandma in hospice. She is having trouble staying awake, but in good spirits and not in pain. 

04/11 - Grandma does not wake up in the morning. Go to be with my mom in the evening at the hospital (in Mequon). 

04/12 - Grandma passes away. Go to be with family for dinner in Mequon. 

04/13 - Birthday celebration for Elizabeth Berrall (my niece). 

04/14 - Birthday party sleepover for Kyrie. 

04/15 - Party continues. Head to a movie with Beth and Tom Lawson, in town from CA!

04/16 - Birthday party for Lariska (whose real bday falls shortly after my surgery), followed by Memorial Service for Grandma. 

04/17 - Matt leaves for CO to celebrate Dan's 40th birthday.  Lawson family comes to visit. 

04/18 - Spend day with college friends - Lawsons, Schwars, and Murrays. 

SO EXHAUSTED!

I am enjoying my time between Chemo and surgery, but feel like I am going to keel over. Heading to bed now for some much needed sleep.  So sorry I have been MIA!!!  I hope to post again soon with more details and better explanations. 

Lots of love to you all!!!!